｡☆ ゜Catgirl-Net ゜☆｡
How are you? I feel like i’m losing weight and im not sure how to feel about it.
So to preface this, I started working with a personal trainer and have been for the past month(?). I've been sort of enjoying it or more i'm enjoying the feeling of accomplishment at actually exercising somewhat regularly. In addtion to the exercise, I've also been following a pretty restricitve diet as instructed by the trainer. Reflecting on all of this for the past month, I feel weird(???).
All of my understanding of diet culture and its subsidiaries says that losing weight with diets and such is practically pointless. Most diets only work while you are on them and rely on continual self loathing and destorying your relationship to food to some degree. I feel like regardless of what I do I will probably regain most of it. I’m honestly not sure if I have even lost weight since I don’t own a scale (it's bad for my brain). I'm deducing all this from my clothes feeling looser (＃＞＜). The thing is even if I don't know, the current exercise routine i’m following with my trainer does make me feel physically better. I like the way I look more cause ot some degree, I can fight against the constant criticism of my body by saying, "hey I AM working out". While it’s true that weight loss is based on a garbage system, people are still kinder to you once you lose weight. Especially if you were fat from the beginning. ( I mean being on a diet also paired with people continuously analyzing your body to assess the effects of the diet and being extremely condescending about it in a way that makes your body feel like it’s not even yours. (("I think this will be good for you" and the like (--_--).)) Plus the absolute humility of having to say that you’re on some sort of diet sucks.) In a better light, I’m slightly less afraid of my body crumbling to bits. Yes, I still feel like there’s something deeply wrong with me physically: im dizzy, aching constantly and have constant bouts of sudden weakness BUT at least it’s not a lack of exercise that’s causing that. So I think that counts an up (lol)?
Plus after doing some intense leg workouts, I realized that I really like the look of my legs now and kind of hope they continue to improve. I’ve been on this for a month so i’m not sure if this will continue...
Is this good for me mentally? I’m not sure.
The diet itself feels weird. IDK I feel like a lot of it is just the difference between my eating habits in college and at home. At home, I am mostly eating fruits, meats, rice, bread and cheese. At college, I would have days where I only ate fast food and ice cream because it was easier. That in itself is probably why i am losing weight here. :P 
I don’t know my body feels like a weird mess and I hope this is better for me and won’t just cause body issues. Regular exercise is good for your health and it gets me out of the house so I hope it’ll be good.
Oh and i'm changing my screenname to Mars cause why not ＼(٥⁀▽⁀ )／
That’s all for now bye! Mars out!
Oooo its been a long one. I'm doing alright so far I just moved into a new apartment and I actually like it a lot. A good idea my mom mentioned before we moved in was just to offer to pay more for the big bedroom to avoid arguments about who gets which and while we chose not to charge more, my roommate and I agreed that I could get the bigger room. My new apartment is really pretty, it has these big double window doors that I can use to look out onto the city and the view is really beautiful in the early morning. I’ve been having a lot of fun here so far tho i’m still really excited to go back home soon and get like proper meals + see my friends(!!). I hate going on plane rides but seeing my family again would be nice. I think only recently started to really miss them. LIke when I first got here I couldn’t wait fro them to leave and for me to start being on my own but then my dad came to visit me and later one when I returned from spring breka I just started to really miss my parents and my brother. LIke i wanna talk to them again and be in a house with other people!! So yeah the return home in a few days will be fun. (I am dreading all the work I have to do before it tho)
I’ve been doing a lot of things so far since I last left off:
I think i/m probably a trans guy or at least bigender. I know im not a woman and i’m definitely not a girl. I think I have a reality of wanting ot be a man but I think if I acknowledge it too hard I also have to think abou the fact that’s its genuinely really hard to do and also I don’t really like or know a lot of men. I bought a binder and stuff and I think i would go on testosterone if it was available but at the moment I think i’ll just try to go to the gym to gain more muscle and like a masculine figure. LIke i’m 100% im either a full guy or part guy but idk which. The nice thing is that I'm lucky enough to have a lot of friends or are chill with this an adjust see and treat me as a guy now which is cool.
Talking about transition I think i’ve fully transitioned into being or wanting to be a dog person. I love dogs so much oh my god plus u can walk them outside which would get me outisde more so ya I think i’d want a dog.
I went to my first concert (!!). It was last night I went to see Hozier and he was amazing. I think i’ll upload some pics as well. He was so amazing to see in person. It was my first time watching at a concert and I think i’ve come back with a few take aways.
Goooooood morning chat,
howdy howdy howdy i’m alive again life is good!
I started therapy recently and it’s been really good to talk about things i’ve never been able to vocalize normally. I’m not sure how I feel about my therapist at the moment they cut me off a bit and talked about things I haven’t really wanted to talk about. However, they are kinda pushing me to do more things I wouldn’t have done before and I’m enjoying the feeling of stepping out of my shell to talk to people again.
Aside from that, I think i’ve been feeling really good in part cause I shaved my head!!! The buzzcut feels honesty amazing. I got so many compliments for it and feel way more comfortable with my body now that I have short hair. It just feels like I was finally able to take control of myself in a way that’s actually beneficial.
I also finally finished my tests!!! It’s been so good not having to do anything. I mean I have a presentation due this wednesday but that’s IT.
Also Also next week is my birthday!! I’m going to be turning 19!! I don’t know how i’m going to celebrate it, probably gonna watch a movie with my friends or go to an escape room. I'm actually gonna go to one the day after my birthday cause a society i'm in is hosting an event there and I think it'll be fun!
I wanna be like her >
I wonder what i'm gonna get for my birthday. I feel kinda stupid for wanting stuff but I also really like getting things. I usually try to keep my expectations low so I don't get disappointed but I don't know. I think for my birthday what I would want as a gift is like fun books, videogames, money, plushies and snacks. I'm pretty sure my friend M is gonna crochet something for me (i'm really excited) and the rest will get me either plushies or make up and jewlery but I would love to get some books. I kinda wanna buy something nice for myself on my birthday but everything I really want is expensive and I need to save money, so I shouldn't use any yet. 
I've been tiding my self over recently by thinking about what I could buy once I find an apartment with my roomate R. I found a really nice refurbished pc on ebay that I wanna buy, but i'm too scared to fuck it up in the move. Genuinely tho the idea of being able to finally play pc games makes me so excited I wanna cry.
After that my other birthday wish is buying a bike :D. I do need to finsih learning first tho, i'm so excited.
Link out for now >v<
Howdy,
Life update: i’m eh. I sorta just started to update this monthly/ every time i have a little space to breathe. I think i’m experiencing genuine burnout for the first time in my life. Not of this blog, just like in general. It’s weird. I’ve experienced something similar but not for this long I guess. It’s like even in winter, I had this strong unshakeable belief that like everything is good or will be good but not i’m not so sure. Usually this just means I need to rest or a snack or something but it’s been going for a while now and I don’t know. Just like slowly descending into only getting brief spurts of joy and just feeling terrible and anxious all the time. Weird time tbh. I think i’m gonna sign up to therapy once I get past these next few deadlines. :P
Life update aside: I have a shit ton of books now so look forward to some of those updates. I also have a bunch of animal research done so I start on those too. I think I should probably start scheduling this more and having specific hours for everything but as of right now i’ve been up since like 3 and its been almost 6 hours and i haven’t had breakfast or doen literally anything because I don’t wanna face the dishes :/. Ughhhhhhhhh
No emoticons today tho it makes me sad. I will update soon tho because i’m gonna go out and learn how to ride a bike this weekend. I think I need more variety in my life, so i join a couple new clubs at my uni: book club, hide and seek, conservation and socials. I wanted to join one with volutneering with kids but that one, despite still being on the website, hasn't updated since 2018??? Also I might look for something about volunteering with animals aside from the dog society, just not sure what yet. I really liked studying animals and would love to do more work in that field.
Oh I also shaved my head. Not sure why just like I hate brushing it. I honeslty cut it as short as I could with scissors but I kinda like it. I probably will need to buy clippers to even out either before of as it grows. I do plan to go back home in a month so i'm excited to see how my family responds. I will say, washing it is now a breeze.
Link out.
Howdy! I'm back at uni!!! The new semester just started and i'm really excited to have a fresh start. I actually kinda like my schedule this term, though it has it's downsides. The pros are that I have Thursdays off every week and Wednesday's off every other week. That doesn't stop my professors from loading us with homework but having way less classes makes time management wayyyyy easier. I'm still in a kinda lazy mood since the semester started but i'm sure it'll start to pick up.
It's warming up these days too, so I can avoid wearing my puffy jacket! I know feburary into april is meant to be pretty rainy and i'm sad I didn't get to see much snow this winter BUT i'm so excited for spring I feel like i'm gonna burst! It's like the world is shaking itself awake. New leaves on trees; strawberries, broccoli and mangos are in season; birds are back and better than ever : What more could you want!I'm thinking of going down to the sunday market to check out the fruits as soon as it gets a little warmer. That's just the joy of spring!
I also joined a few societies at univeristy this semester: the lgbt union, the dog society and the anime and manga society. I was worried about joining the first and thrid groups but a friend of mine said they'd come along for my first time at the union and i'm planning to borrow some of the anime society's massive manga selection. I'm thinking of trying out the D&D or film societies next semester.
I wanna get back into trying new things just for the fun of it. I miss how much fun the first few weeks here were (AFTER I GOT SETTLED IN) and I want to bring that back. Best luck to me I hope! :D
Link out!
I’ve been thinking about names. I don’t really like mine. It’s a feminine Arabic name held by many important women before me. In fact, it’s one of the most common names in arabic because of its religious signifance. It’s a wonderful name carried by many wonderful people.I’m not quite sure why, but I can’t stand it. Maybe is the dissonance between myself and my image as an Arab. Maybe it’s because it’s so strongly feminine and femininity as a whole has always felt like a hand against my throat. Maybe both. My name has always felt like this life long disappointment. Like a symbol of everything i’ve failed to accomplish. An impenetrable wall, impossibly high but what that i’m expected to cross easily. Maybe I could if it wasn’t so feminine, if I weren’t weighed down by my family title. Technically speaking I could change it, the same way I could technically change my style of dress orgo to therapy. Its a theoretical thing other people could do. Though honeslty I really hate thinking like that. I mean, amd I really living if I stamp down every possibility of personal autonomy and joy? Not really. I’ve gotten better at it as time goes by. That’s actually why I started doing this blog in the first place. To try to make something that’s mine. So from there, let’s get into some names I like and might use someday:
THis is the name i would give my daughter if I ever have one. It’s means planet in arabic nad just holds this significance to me i’m not sure why. It’s so beautiful. In a different world there’s a version of me with this name is and she lives this magical life with everything she ever needed and a beauty more than she could have imagined. But that’s not my name and it’s feminine in a way that extend the wall rather than lowering it. It could never be mine but damn is it a good name. Godspeed, Kawkab.
Obvs number 1 is the blog name. I really like thus despite -or honesty because of - its nerdier origins. It’s relatively masculine though somewhat androgynous and the pronounciation is moslty light with the “n” sound give its some weight. Then at the end it clicks like a key. Your tongue is pulled forward before snapping back like a rubber band. It’s like if whistling or hard taffy were names. Solid option if It wasn’t so western (´-ω-`). That’s why I picked it for the blog.
It means lion in arabic. Closest to link but more masculine. It pronunciation is super light though like a feather blowing in the wind. It’s actually like a puff of fresh air or the sound of wind rustling grass. I love it but it feels too soft for me. It doesn’t feel like something I can sink my teeth into. I don’t know, i feel like as I age I just want more blood. Like i want something I can rip off in chunks. Laith is the name of a much kinder man and I hold a lot of respect that such man but he is not me. Soldiers slaute tho o7 very solid name.
There a bunch of names in arabic that are just natural phenomena like sunshine and wind. They’ve fallen out of fashion as of late but I adore them. Two of my favorites are rain and river, Matar and Nahar. They feel clean and solid in a way nothing else is. Probably because of their association to water. I think if there was anyway i could chose to die it would be in a stream, being carried along by it with fish eating parts of me is an ideal way to die. (Completely serious) (though my preferred burial would just be turning into compost. I think it completes my whole philosophy about life just being there for you to help each other and letting plants get their nutrients from me when I die is the only way I want to die.)
THat’s all the names so far. I think i’ll stick with Link on the blog and [REDACTED] in real life, at least for now. Though writing this post has endeared me to laith. I quite like it now. Maybe I can be that kind man :-).
Ah well that all,
Link out :3
Hoi :3. I figured out how to use buttons to seperate my posts into different sections! Some of the sections look kinda jank rn (＃＞＜) since they have no posts yet but i'm hoping to have som eposts up soon so that stops happening. I gotta insert a bunch of stickers and stuff but i'm at my grandparents house right now :///. Sorta jsut coping with the end of mob pscyho. I;m planning on starting the manga now that the anime finished but i'll take a break befreo I start and plan to read the library books I have on hand rn (esp. cause i need to submit them by the 6th of Jan!). I'm also gonna start posting live blogs of the books and manga i'm reading soon. Thanks for reading this if you did!
Link out :3
Howdy there~ (￣▽￣)ノ Just a short (hopefully) commermorative post for completeing the blog design/ or at least having it be remotely functional. I'm pretty happy so far with what i've managed to do with. I'm half posting this as a tester and to try out blog writing for the first ime in a while whihc is fun -v- . I'm planning to do a lot with this blog, now that i have the actual site up and running and a 2 week break from Uni (with 2 finals right after (ಥ﹏ಥ).
Mainly its to set up:
☆A biology/studies blog with some of the stuff i'm learning in Uni and on my own.
☆A book page with the stuff i'm currently reading, have read in the past and my f/f book directory with ratings
☆a potential crafts page to go into the stuff im making (I crochet and knit in my spare time tho i havent in a while :( )
That's all i'm planning for right now. I feel they'd both make me practice my hobbies more often as well as have more fun wtih what i'm doing here. If i could set up a tagging and filtering system on this blog tho i'd probably combine the (-_-;). I'm sleepy, i have the flu and there's most likely a period on it's way rn tho so work might come in chunks.
Link out (￣▽￣)ノ